| Despair |
| 2022 |

I have been feeling really trapped by my current circumstances. It has put my mind in a very delicate space. I can tell when I am not well, but cannot find the words that would make my experience knowable to those around me.

I have been analyzing myself, my life, who am I and have been and I came to the understanding that I really needed a consistent male role model in my life. I feel like I have missed out on so much of the encouragement and character building that would have come from those experiences.

I could center what I am living through right now on the absence of that figure, but there are so many other conversations happening within my mind. I have been crying often lately due to a combination of internal and external stressers. When I get this way, as this feeling is not a stranger to me, I just want to die. But that's not really what I want, even if I am able to convince myself of it.

At 3 AM I decided I would drive to the beach just to see if I would make it there and back, leaving the possiblity of never returning on the table. I brought things I could work on, read or look at as well as my camera. My hope was that I might utilize these materials to lift myself out of that dark space. That I might feel better on the drive back home.

I am exhausted. I feel pulled in so many directions and I simply want to be. I want to be at peace with my surroundings and the circumstances I find myself in. The world enacts a violence on my person and I simply need a break and I honestly cannot see when it will arrive or by which means salvation will be presented.